Tim Allen Quotes

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I have a thing for tools.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.