Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

Wisdom might be conversion into a tree.

Opportunities are rare in this life, and fairness, rarer still. So, when you discover a fair opportunity, go after as if it were your last because it very well might be.

It's not that MySpace lost and Facebook won. It's that MySpace won first, and Facebook won next. They'll go down in the same order.

When I came to America, I was really into all the things people eat here. . . . People called me Muffin because I would eat muffins all the time.

Use your time, energy and talents to do the best you can right now. Spend no time wishing it were better

First rule in this world baby... don't believe ANYTHING you see on the news.

For those of you who like to scarf your popcorn in the sack, the good news is that Newman's Own contains an aphrodisiac.

The British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be.

Karate-do may be referred to as the conflict within yourself, or a life-long marathon which can be won only through self-discipline, hard training, and your own creative efforts.

I'm a big, big movie fan. I watch 'The Ten Commandments' and the original 'Planet of the Apes' every night.