Erma Bombeck Quotes

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for go live with a car battery.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.