Erma Bombeck Quotes

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for go live with a car battery.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plate.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Laugh now, cry later.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.