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Erma Bombeck Quotes

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Erma Bombeck Quotes: "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.




Erma Bombeck Quotes: "In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.




Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.




Erma Bombeck Quotes: "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed."

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.




Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Cats invented self-esteem."

Cats invented self-esteem.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.




Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'"

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill."

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Never have more children than you have car windows."

Never have more children than you have car windows.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance."

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven."

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go."

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "He who laughs.....lasts."

He who laughs.....lasts.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night."

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up."

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight."

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.



Erma Bombeck Quotes: "I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent."

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.