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Jay Leno Quotes

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Jay Leno Quotes: "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?




Jay Leno Quotes: "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.




Jay Leno Quotes: "Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!"

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!



Jay Leno Quotes: "You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh."

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.




Jay Leno Quotes: "Politics is just show business for ugly people."

Politics is just show business for ugly people.



Jay Leno Quotes: "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.



Jay Leno Quotes: "I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'"

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'




Jay Leno Quotes: "Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution."

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers."

Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers."

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.



Jay Leno Quotes: "I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.



Jay Leno Quotes: "A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser."

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.




Jay Leno Quotes: "You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs."

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?"

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?



Jay Leno Quotes: "One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama."

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.



Jay Leno Quotes: "You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats"

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats



Jay Leno Quotes: "The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.



Jay Leno Quotes: "President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money."

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells."

Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's."

Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.



Jay Leno Quotes: "In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis."

In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky."

Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.



Jay Leno Quotes: "I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking."

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.



Jay Leno Quotes: "These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal."

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.



Jay Leno Quotes: "We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?"

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?



Jay Leno Quotes: "Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution."

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs."

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.



Jay Leno Quotes: "This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people.""

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."



Jay Leno Quotes: "Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances."

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.



Jay Leno Quotes: "You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.



Jay Leno Quotes: "The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all."

The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all.



Jay Leno Quotes: "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.



Jay Leno Quotes: "We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records."

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.



Jay Leno Quotes: "President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room."

President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England"."

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".



Jay Leno Quotes: "New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive."

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day."

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.



Jay Leno Quotes: "President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?"

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?



Jay Leno Quotes: "According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?"

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?



Jay Leno Quotes: "Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?"

Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?



Jay Leno Quotes: "Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all."

Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.



Jay Leno Quotes: "My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?"

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?



Jay Leno Quotes: "President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?"

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?



Jay Leno Quotes: "President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else."

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.



Jay Leno Quotes: "They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?"

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?



Jay Leno Quotes: "Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore."

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.



Jay Leno Quotes: "Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!"

Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!