Jay Leno Quotes
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According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
Kentucky Fried Chicken.. KFC... Keep Fooling Customers.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.
You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.
In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.
Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.
President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?
Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!