Scott Adams Quotes
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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.
Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.
The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.
There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
The best things in life are silly.
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.
Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it.
Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.
Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.
Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.
The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.
Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.
Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.
Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.
Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.
The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy. - Wally's Keynote Speech
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.
The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.
In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.
Most success springs from an obstacle or failure.