Humor Quotes

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, 'cause you're a major mythological figure...but now you've just gone nuts!

I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Unfortunately for a multitude of occultists, humor is a rare ingredient in their lives. In fact it is their very lack of humor that has impelled them into the arcane and esoteric.

One loses everything when one loses one's sense of humor.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you

Surprise is the essence of humor, and nothing is more surprising than truth.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.

Expect not praise without envy until you are dead.

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

You stand for nothing. You respect nobody. The music you dance to is devoid of beauty, its lyrics empty of humor or cleverness.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

Ultimate seriousness in not without a dose of humor.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

Thank God you've got a sense of humor, or you'd be in trouble.

I like very dry humor. I dont like things that are over the top. I like subtlety. I like things that are nonchalant. I like characters that are sort of monotone and based in dark comedy.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

A spoonful of humor makes the message go down easier.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

Reading is the basics for all learning.

As young Americans, you have an important responsibility, which is to become good citizens.

One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.