My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Trust had become a commodity that few could afford.

We are all more intelligent than we are capable, and awareness of the insanity of love has never saved anyone from the disease.

Do what you want, and if people are going to judge you for it, who cares? You might not fit in, but that's okay. Everyone thought I was weird in high school!

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

Chihiro, huh? Her real name's Chihiro? Can't beat the power of love.

We must not take the faults of our youth with us into old age, for age brings along its own defects.

Preserve your memories, keep them well, what you forget you can never retell.

My dad is a workaholic so I take after him in this respect.

Think, just blink and I made...a million rhymes. Just imagine if you blinked...a million times. Damn, I'd be paid...I got it made.

Propaganda is to a democracy what violence is to a dictatorship.