Dave Chappelle Quotes

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God, I hope it lands in Hartford.

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.

You got to be careful of the company you keep.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Constantly take inventory of what's important to you.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian, what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he's not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn't even say that.

I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

Once you been performing on the streets you can conquer any venue.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

You've got to say 'yes' to your destiny. Life's happening right now, look around you. There goes some life. Come on, Mamma, live!

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interest in controlling you.

I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

I have a very good life, a high quality of life. I have both money and time. No one has that.

Comedians by and large are some of the most sensitive people on earth. Even if they're socially callous.

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.

Listen, here it is: Technically, I never quit. I'm seven years late for work.

Weed's not as bad as everything else... 'cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain't crisp... but you'll function.