Jackie Mason Quotes
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.
As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.
The New York Times claims that they publish all the news that's fit to print but what they really do is print all the news that supports their agenda. What they are is the power base of the left.
The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.
