Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Nothing can help my comedy.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.