Humor Quotes
If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
That's part of our policy, is not to be taken seriously because I think our opposition, whoever they may be in all their manifest forms, don't know how to handle humour.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
Generosity, to be perfect, should always be accompanied by a dash of humor.
whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
An earthly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
I actually pay careful attention to that sort of thing - infusing humor into my films - because that's how important I think humor is.
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit.
The humor is that finally when you have the power to move the mountain, you are the person who placed it there-so there the mountain stays.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'