Humor Quotes

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

The Devil fears the word of God, He can't bite it; it breaks his teeth.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

I take making music seriously, but you have to have a sense of humor about yourself. I invite people into my life. That's how I do it.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I had these slinky eyes and a sense of humor.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

Humor is the foundation of reconciliation.

When you're older, no matter how good your humor is you don't always feel perky and peppy. But if you sit home all day and brood about it, it gets worse.

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

The Trump Card is appealing, grounded, smart, and has a sense of humor. Ivanka Trump proves that believing in yourself and working hard never go out of style.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

People are always surprised when they see me speak live that I have a sense of humor. And I say, Well, you know, there's not much opportunity to laugh when you're reporting the dread news of the day.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others.

Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Humor is like music. It's a rhythm, and you just kind of get the rhythm of it, and you have to know not to let the beat go too long, but to leave a beat in there for it to gel.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

College is fun as long as you don't die.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?