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Jim Norton Quotes

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Jim Norton Quotes: "The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it."

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like."

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.




Jim Norton Quotes: "What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?"

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?



Jim Norton Quotes: "Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like."

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.




Jim Norton Quotes: "People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't."

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody."

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated."

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.




Jim Norton Quotes: "I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her."

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.



Jim Norton Quotes: "God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married."

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.



Jim Norton Quotes: "Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades."

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice."

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.



Jim Norton Quotes: "Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini."

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.




Jim Norton Quotes: "That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?"

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?



Jim Norton Quotes: "I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire."

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.



Jim Norton Quotes: "The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it."

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.



Jim Norton Quotes: "For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD."

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.



Jim Norton Quotes: "That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood."

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.



Jim Norton Quotes: "You look like a diabetic strip club owner."

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.



Jim Norton Quotes: "There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future."

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open"

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open



Jim Norton Quotes: "I don't pull out because... it's not my problem."

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?"

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?



Jim Norton Quotes: "From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have."

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic."

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.



Jim Norton Quotes: "You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous."

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.



Jim Norton Quotes: "No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined."

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.



Jim Norton Quotes: "My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good."

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.



Jim Norton Quotes: "People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary."

People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.



Jim Norton Quotes: "The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then."

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids."

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.



Jim Norton Quotes: "You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living."

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.



Jim Norton Quotes: "What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!"

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!



Jim Norton Quotes: "My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it."

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.



Jim Norton Quotes: "Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly."

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle."

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil."

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.



Jim Norton Quotes: "I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey."

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.



Jim Norton Quotes: "When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it."

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.