She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Technically, all tattoos are temporary, even permanent ones.

Don’t know where to begin writing? Just throw up on paper.

Hitting at the top of the order is a good thing. You get more at-bats. I'm excited to see how this develops.

I'm just waiting for people to start asking me to make the rain disappear.

If I work toward an end, meantime I am confined to a process.

Torrents of blood have been spilt in the world in vain attempts of the secular arm to extinguish religious discord, by proscribing all differences in religious opinions.

You're easily distracted by the pattern of the cloth and can't see the quality of the threads.

Everything is so convenient in New York.

Some flag waving is good, a lot of flag waving is tolerable, incessant flag waving is crazy and dangerous and easily manipulated by the war party to get people bubbling at the mouth in fear and rage.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.