Humor Quotes

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

So let us all who pray ask for what most of them need badly, a sense of humor to lighten their way through life, making it merrier for themselves and easier for others.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

The fun, joy, and humor dry up in a relationship when one of the partners is swimming in gin. To my way of thinking, it is selfishness personified to see life through the bottom of a liquor bottle.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic?

I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don't care whether it's ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, or whose ox is being gored.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

If you're explaining, you're losing.

I'm fairly certain that YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.

If you make a deal with a fool, don't be surprised when they act foolishly.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.” ~ Liberty Jones

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.

The arrival of a good clown exercises a more beneficial influence upon the health of a town than twenty asses laden with drugs.