Humor Quotes

I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.

So I lived alone. The first thing I did was take off my pants. Naturally.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

God has a most wicked sense of humor.

One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.

That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year." "Why?" Isabelle said. "So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Humor is basically a cognitive process. And it's a creative process not only on the part of the cartoonist but on the part of the viewer.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

There is always some frivolity in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, but also stray.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Persistence is the answer, and a sense of humor helps.

I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to.

Humor is just truth, only faster!

This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor. Like Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got that kind of humor.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

A person who can laugh and go with life does not demand to be in control, which is why the most controlling people may be sarcastic but lack an authentic sense of humor.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.