I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I put my trust in the Living God.

Health is the ability to realize our avowed and unavowed dreams.

He who slings mud generally loses ground.

Over the last 10 years, there have been so many incredible albums created in bedrooms by people who never would've gotten an album deal.

State government has too often been used to look out for the insiders and not the citizens. This has insulated poverty from progress, and need from remedy.

We don't go to Shakespeare to find out about life in Elizabethan England; we go to Shakespeare to find out about ourselves now.

Reengineering eliminates work, not jobs or people.

The realization of our true substance and potential is the purpose of creation.

A dancer's life is all about repetition.

The mind revolts against certain opinions, as the stomach rejects certain foods.