Humor Quotes
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time -- life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death.
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?
We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!
The polls indicated that I was feisty, that I was tough, that I had a sense of humor, but they weren't quite sure if they liked me and they didn't know whether or not that I was sensitive.
