Ogden Nash Quotes
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Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong.
There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There was a young man of Herne Bay.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Some debts are fun while you are acquiring them, But none are fun when you set about retiring them.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.
Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
One thing that literature would be greatly the better for Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and>metaphor.
Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.
No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
Remorse is violent dyspepsia of the mind.
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box.
No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.
The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.
Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time a thief. We're late, darling, we're late, The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.
No man is greater than his respect for sleep.
Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else.
I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament.
The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
It is the sin of omission, the second kind of sin, That lays eggs under your skin.
Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it.
When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food.
When there are monsters there are miracles.
Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
There once was an umpire whose vision Was cause for abuse and derision He remarked in surprise, 'Why pick on my eyes? It's my heart that dictates my decision.'
There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin.
The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.
And you stagger down to break your fast. Greasy bacon and lacquered eggs And coffee composed of frigid dregs.
Celery, raw, Develops the jaw