This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If you respect yourself, you will respect others.

When you find yourself on stage singing and you are embarrassed about what you are singing in front of your peers, then you have to think about your priorities.

I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it.

Like most Latinas, I'm not afraid to speak my mind.

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.

I love writing. I like reading, other people, not myself.

Donald Trump's life has born fruit in jobs and generosity. He cannot be bought. He is not a puppet on a string like other candidates.

I was very far away. My real life had gone underground and could not be seen by anybody. The person at the surface that everybody saw was no longer me.

A lamp can only light another lamp when it continues to burn in its own flame.

Science is the knowledge of Consequences, and dependence of one fact upon another: by which, out of that we can presently do, we know how to do something else when we will, or the like, another time