Humor Quotes

I love playing people who don't have a sense of humor for instance, there's nothing funnier to me than a person with no sense of humor.

part of the humor of living on this backward planet is listening to the hominids rationalize their predations.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Never complain, never explain personal motto of

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.

Humor is essential to a successful tactician, for the most potent weapons known to mankind are satire and ridicule.

Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

There ought to be limits to freedom.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Humor is one of the most serious tools we have for dealing with impossible situations.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.

That isn't writing at all, it's typing.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I don't know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.

The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?