I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Enlightenment isn’t about reaching a destination of “knowing”, it is about developing consistent vibrational harmony within one’s self and with the surrounding world.

I believe in the magic and authority of words.

Communication is so much better when people are vulnerable.

I have been lucky enough to have had the opportunity of travelling across this country and enduring all the classic situations that go with talking to people.

I learned how to sign because when I was growing up in California in order to get into college you needed two semesters of language to get into a University of California school.

Bolshevism in its proper perspective, namely, as the most recent development in the age-long struggle waged by the Jewish Nation against...Christ.

Metaphors think with the imagination and the senses. The hot chili peppers in them explode in the mouth and the mind.

What's important is that I'm working with very talented young people.

I'm trying to build an empire, because after this, I cannot get a normal job

Prayer is not a painful effort to gain from God help in the varying needs of life. Prayer is the desire to possess God Himself