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Lewis Black Quotes

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Lewis Black Quotes: "MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!"

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!



Lewis Black Quotes: "I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.




Lewis Black Quotes: "There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'"

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'




Lewis Black Quotes: "Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials."

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.



Lewis Black Quotes: "If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!"

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!



Lewis Black Quotes: "When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out."

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.




Lewis Black Quotes: "You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned."

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.



Lewis Black Quotes: "What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense."

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible."

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'"

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'



Lewis Black Quotes: "I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year."

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.




Lewis Black Quotes: "A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!"

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!



Lewis Black Quotes: "I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day."

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.



Lewis Black Quotes: "My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes"

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes



Lewis Black Quotes: "Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots."

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.



Lewis Black Quotes: "You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal."

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.



Lewis Black Quotes: "North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from."

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness."

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.



Lewis Black Quotes: "In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants."

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.



Lewis Black Quotes: "We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas."

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.



Lewis Black Quotes: "These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary."

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.



Lewis Black Quotes: "If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school."

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.



Lewis Black Quotes: "There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye."

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.



Lewis Black Quotes: "You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work."

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.



Lewis Black Quotes: "When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!"

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!



Lewis Black Quotes: "It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!



Lewis Black Quotes: "The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas."

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.



Lewis Black Quotes: "I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time."

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.



Lewis Black Quotes: "You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."

You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green."

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.



Lewis Black Quotes: "If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < ."

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .



Lewis Black Quotes: "Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar."

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.



Lewis Black Quotes: "The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless."

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week."

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful."

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich."

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.



Lewis Black Quotes: "We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe."

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.



Lewis Black Quotes: "I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism."

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.



Lewis Black Quotes: "It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance."

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight."

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.



Lewis Black Quotes: "There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever."

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone."

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes."

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.



Lewis Black Quotes: "If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular."

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.



Lewis Black Quotes: "That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone."

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.



Lewis Black Quotes: "I'm a happy person but an angry citizen."

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.



Lewis Black Quotes: "When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip."

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.



Lewis Black Quotes: "Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!"

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!