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Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog."

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party."

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond."

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries."

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead."

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins."

An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke."

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity."

INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch."

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk."

Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets."

Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy."

Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy."

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with."

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury."

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads."

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone."

GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally."

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence."

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor."

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm."

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets."

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions."

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn."

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does."

Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer."

POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Historian - a broad-gauge gossip."

Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom."

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London"

FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost."

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast."

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Birth: The first and direst of all disasters."

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues."

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "SYCOPHANT- One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor."

SYCOPHANT- One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography."

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated."

MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns."

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick."

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals."

MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.