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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes: "I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close."

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.



Humor Quotes: "When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.




Humor Quotes: "We are at fault for not slaying the Jews."

We are at fault for not slaying the Jews.



Humor Quotes: "The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions."

The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.




Humor Quotes: "It's true, of course, humor is very important in my life, as you know. That's the only reason for living, in fact."

It's true, of course, humor is very important in my life, as you know. That's the only reason for living, in fact.



Humor Quotes: "A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!"

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!



Humor Quotes: "The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.




Humor Quotes: "Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent."

Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent.



Humor Quotes: "Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure."

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.



Humor Quotes: "People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!"

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!



Humor Quotes: "A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up."

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.



Humor Quotes: "Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day."

Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day.




Humor Quotes: "With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.



Humor Quotes: "What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?



Humor Quotes: "The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble."

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.



Humor Quotes: "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.



Humor Quotes: "The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own"

The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own



Humor Quotes: "The plural of spouse is spice."

The plural of spouse is spice.



Humor Quotes: "Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?



Humor Quotes: "A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.



Humor Quotes: "He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet."

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.



Humor Quotes: "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.



Humor Quotes: "False hope is better than no hope at all."

False hope is better than no hope at all.



Humor Quotes: "Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane."

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.



Humor Quotes: "I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.



Humor Quotes: "Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.



Humor Quotes: "I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.



Humor Quotes: "A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch."

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.



Humor Quotes: "Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage."

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.



Humor Quotes: "This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic."

This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.



Humor Quotes: "Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.



Humor Quotes: "In everyday life, I use positive thoughts, sense of humor, Taekwondo, running, and yoga to make me stronger."

In everyday life, I use positive thoughts, sense of humor, Taekwondo, running, and yoga to make me stronger.



Humor Quotes: "When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly."

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.



Humor Quotes: "I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait"."

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".



Humor Quotes: "If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious."

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.



Humor Quotes: "We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice."

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.



Humor Quotes: "Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'"

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'



Humor Quotes: "Purpose, or mission, is determined by the development of values, balance, ethics, humor, morality, and sensitivities. It manifests itself in the way we look at life."

Purpose, or mission, is determined by the development of values, balance, ethics, humor, morality, and sensitivities. It manifests itself in the way we look at life.



Humor Quotes: "People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?"

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?



Humor Quotes: "Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'"

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'



Humor Quotes: "A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!""

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"



Humor Quotes: "Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody."

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.



Humor Quotes: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow."

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.



Humor Quotes: "The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.



Humor Quotes: "Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development."

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.



Humor Quotes: "I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there."

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.



Humor Quotes: "When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side."

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.



Humor Quotes: "A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover; it is often the best indicator that people will love you. Sustain that and you have hope."

A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover; it is often the best indicator that people will love you. Sustain that and you have hope.



Humor Quotes: "All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.