I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Sweetheart, I'll lift my kilt and show you what I've got between my thighs and if you still think it's lit(tle) ---

Life is too precious to waste any of it regretting the past.

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

Non-violence exacts a very high price from one who practices it. But once you are able to meet that demand then you can do most things.

Liberals do not appear to address potential solutions with anything like the far right's aura of God-given self-confidence.

Although military, economic and political strength certainly favors the more powerful side, the matter of simple justice is a counterbalancing factor.

I am as much interested in the smallest detail as in the whole structure.

Why things get canceled or not is so unbelievably out of actors' hands that it's one of those things where you've just got to ride with it.