A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

When you study history, you're really studying yourself. Every bit of history I've uncovered about my own family has some remnant in myself.

Tomorrow’s victory is today’s practice.

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice.

The last business of Christ's life was the saving of a poor penitent thief.

A man can laugh while he suffers.

One symbol of lack of democracy is to have cars parked on the sidewalk.

Break open the cherry tree: where are the blossoms? Just wait for spring time to see how they bloom.

Funerals...are for the living.

Since I've had children I don't really like horror movies.

This right to vote is the basic right without which all others are meaningless. It gives people, people as individuals, control over their own destinies.