Humor Quotes
Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with the absurdity of it all.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.
You can spread jelly on the peanut butter but you can't spread peanut butter on the jelly.
Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
I'm sure I'll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.
People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
People are at their most mindful when they are at play. If we find ways of enjoying our work blurring the lines between work and play the gains will be greater.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
As Shakespeare says, if you're going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.
I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.
