Humor Quotes

Frank Sinatra enjoyed my humor, so I could say almost anything to him. I mean, within reason.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

In the wise words of Mahatma Gandhi: have a sense of humor.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

The world likes humor, but it treats it patronizingly. It decorates its serious artists with laurel, and its wags with Brussels sprouts.

Good humor is the sunshine of the mind.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

How can I die? I'm booked.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Do I think faith will be an important part of being a good president? Yes, I do.

They want the federal government controlling the Social Security, like it's some kind of federal program.

I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.

The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her.

There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.

If Lincoln were alive today, he'd be turning over in his grave.

humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

The first thing people lose on a diet is their sense of humor. Keep it fun. Keep it light.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Cynicism is the humor of hatred.

A sense of humor is needed armor.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

since each child reads only about six hundred books in the course of childhood, each book should nourish them in some way - with new ideas, insight, humor, or vocabulary.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

I think we're all born with a sense of humor. Creativity is another thing though.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.