Humor Quotes

They say Im demonic in humor in the sense that I think people need somebody to wake up their mental processes.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

You can always tell somebody's sense of humor by if they like this movie or not.

For now, we assume that self-evolving robots will learn to mimic human traits, including, eventually, humor. And so, I can't wait to hear the first joke that one robot tells to another robot.

People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.

America is such a paradoxical society, hypocritically paradoxical, that if you don't have some humor, you'll crack up.

I really like dark, politically incorrect humor.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked. The air all about us is filled with demons.

Sin cannot tear you away from him [Christ] even though you commit adultery a hundred times a day and commit as many murders.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

A lot of political people, especially people on the left, have forgotten the importance of humor as an incredible weapon, and a vehicle through which to affect change.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

The one and only thing over which you have complete and total control is how you focus your own mind. Luckily, this determines everything else.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

Laugh at your worries and insecurities. View your anxieties with humor. It will be difficult at first, but you'll gradually get used to it.

We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.

The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.

I would like to throw an egg into an electric fan.

I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

The first prerequisite of an advanced being is a sense of humor.

If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.