Humor Quotes

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.

I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite

All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

One thing my family has shown me is that having a sense of humor is everything.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

For me, suspense doesn't have any value if it's not balanced by humor.

Theres no drama like wrestling.

Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor.

The future isn't just something that happens. It's a brutal force, with a great sense of humor, that'll steamroll you if you're not watching.

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Humor is a great way to relieve stress.

Have a sense of humor to break the tension in times of great toil.

I tried to think but nothing happened!

He [Will Rogers] was America's most complete human document. One-third humor. One-third humanitarian. One-third heart.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?