I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Save me from the things that I love.

As Irving Good realised in 1965, machines with superhuman intelligence could repeatedly improve their design even further, triggering what Vernor Vinge called a 'singularity.'

Statistics are to baseball what a flaky crust is to Mom's apple pie.

A good teacher offers practice, a bad one offers theories.

Friends are really important, especially when you've had the successes that I've had. I've gone really far in my career, so they're the ones that keep you humble, keep your feet on the ground.

Here Lies Julius Schwartz. He met his last deadline.

In America, writers are afforded the freedom to express themselves in unlimited manners. Creative liberty is a privilege.

Every day I turned a 'you can't' into a 'you can.'

The meditation traditions I started and have continued practicing have all emphasized inclusivity: anyone can do this who is interested.

All my friends and family are either in prison or don't make enough money. I don't know what the president really does. I haven't been able to experience that kind of shift yet.