John Oliver Quotes
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You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.
What a tiresome place America would be if freedom meant we all had to think alike or be the same color or wear the same gray flannel suit! That road leads to the conformity of the graveyard!
News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.
One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.
My fight is not for racial sameness but for racial equality and against racial prejudice and discrimination.
Life is a short walk. There is so little time and so much living to achieve.
Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.
People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.
Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.
Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f---ing wants them there.
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.
Western man wrote "his" history as if it were the history of the entire human race.
We have to undo the millions of little white lies that America told itself and the world about the American Black man.
Most of us came here in chains and most of you came here to escape your chains. Your freedom was our slavery, and therein lies the bitter difference in the way we look at life.
You don't need people's opinion on a fact.
It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.
Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.
I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.
When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.
Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.
There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.
There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.
It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be.
The Negro was invented in America.
Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.
I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.
A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.
The Negro loves America enough to criticize her fundamentally. Most white Americans simply can't be bothered.
Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.
Integration begins the day after the minds of the people are desegregated.
The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.