Humor Quotes

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

Passion - and humor will permit all of us to do some marvelous things.

...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

What's the trick? There are three of them: A sense of real purpose, a sense of humor, and a sense of constant curiosity. Keep using those to the grave because learning really never ends.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

Humor, together with irony,forms a safeguard against idolatry.

Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

The main characteristics of effective leadership are intelligence, integrity or loyalty, mystique, humor, discipline, courage, self sufficieny and confidence.

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

I noticed at once that Depp had a dangerously energized intelligence . . . He was a suave little brute, but he had a wicked sense of humor and a rare instinct for escalation.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Good-humor is the clear blue sky of the soul.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Life ain't easy. Terrible things happen to everyone. You have to keep your sense of humor, give something of yourself to others, make friends who are younger than you, learn new things, and have fun.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

The subconscious mind has no sense of humor and people often joke themselves into unhappy experiences.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.