Humor Quotes

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

To be clever in the afternoon argues that one is dining nowhere in the evening.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.

Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?

We laugh, that we may not cry.

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships.

I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.

The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.

We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

Wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan, honey.

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.

Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves?

I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.

I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The question is not how to survive, but how to thrive with passion, compassion, humor and style.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews.

Life is full of risks anyway; why not take them?

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

It is not in the power of every one to taste humor, however he may wish it; it is the gift of God! and a true feeler always brings half the entertainment along with him.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

Humor is the opposite of all self-admiration and self-praise.