Humor Quotes

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh.

I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor.

Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.

Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.

Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

A mathematician may say anything he pleases, but a physicist must be at least partially sane.

Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.

Anyone who thinks they're too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

I have never yet figured out what to do about good advice that you get, and that you know right away would help you, but that you cannot follow.

Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

You have no idea how crazy I am, I should be wearing yellow Caution tape, I'm that bonkers.

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

Forget art. Put your trust in ice cream.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.