Adam Carolla Quotes

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

I don't know anything about computers.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

I get depressed at airports.