P.J. O'Rourke Quotes
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.
A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.
There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.
At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn't have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence.
I grew up in a gym in Miami, the one where Muhammad Ali trained. I had 142 amateur fights and lost three.
It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.
Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.
You should keep a photograph of Mick Lyons on the mantlepiece to keep children away from the fire
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
With Epcot Center, the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.
Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.
I don't mind getting punched in the nose by a guy standing in front of me. It's getting stabbed in the back that I can't handle.
The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit
It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.
I did a picture for the First Barbie doll box.
Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues."
I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.
It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy.
You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Comeback is a good word, man.
Microeconomics is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money the government is out of.
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
I had a lot of anger inside me and that came out at times that were not particularly advantageous to me career-wise.
Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
I hope people enjoy what I do. That would make me happy because I'd be bringing others pleasure while doing something I like.
I'm an old broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be all alone . . .
El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.
No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal
Liberalism is just Communism sold by the drink.
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.