Humor Quotes

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

There is no Algorithm for Humor

It's impossible to write about Native life without humor-that's how people maintain sanity.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

One of the first things I look for in a woman I meet is a sense of humor, a sort of light acceptance of the world and the people who live in it.

Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

To stimulate creativity one must develop childlike inclination for play and the childlike desire for recognition.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

Now, I have nothing against the public school system as it is presently organized, once you allow the humor of its basic assumption about how it is possible to teach things to children.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Good-humor is allied to generosity, ill-humor to meanness.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from birth as a paternal, or, in other words, a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read, and say, and eat, and drink and wear.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

I was an incredible Anglophile. I found people who shared the same sense of humor and attitude toward the world.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Oh, to be seventy again!

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

But I think frustration is hilarious. One of my missions is to bring humor into fine art. It's sacred.

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I understand small business growth. I was one.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

Every Joke is a Tiny Revolution

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.