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Spike Milligan Quotes

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Spike Milligan Quotes: "Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I can speak Esperanto like a native."

I can speak Esperanto like a native.




Spike Milligan Quotes: "Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex."

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.




Spike Milligan Quotes: "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard."

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.




Spike Milligan Quotes: "Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?"

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?



Spike Milligan Quotes: "We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!"

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!



Spike Milligan Quotes: "There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart."

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light"

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light



Spike Milligan Quotes: "My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!"

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!




Spike Milligan Quotes: "I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy."

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson."

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)"

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)



Spike Milligan Quotes: "And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant"

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!"

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!



Spike Milligan Quotes: "General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me."

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin."

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?"

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?



Spike Milligan Quotes: "One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?"

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one."

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong."

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death."

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "God made nightButMan made darkness."

God made nightButMan made darkness.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse."

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon."

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part."

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral."

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I'm a hero with coward's legs."

I'm a hero with coward's legs.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "In the human race today, you came last."

In the human race today, you came last.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Policemen are numbered in case they get lost."

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?



Spike Milligan Quotes: "We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away."

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "I'm Irish. We think sideways"

I'm Irish. We think sideways



Spike Milligan Quotes: "My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic."

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs."

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently"

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently



Spike Milligan Quotes: "Its all in the mind, you know."

Its all in the mind, you know.