Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

We write to strengthen our soul and the spirit of other souls.

Loneliness is a hell of a drug.

You can't see the semantic wood for the syntactic trees.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

I not only enjoy it, I think, how do you design things that are applicable to life - unless you live it?

The advent of interconnectedness and of weapons of mass destruction means that, increasingly, I share a destiny with my enemy.

Friends are like money, easier made than kept.

Absolute justice demands that mens incomes and rewards should ... vary, and that some have more than others-so long as human justice is upheld by the provision of equal opportunity for all.

Just being hired by a great director is complimentary.

Were still gonna do those things not because weve got nothing to lose.. were still gonna do them because.. WERE RICH BIATCH!!