Humor Quotes

Under every stone lurks a politician.

You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

Bite me, Harry Potter.

It isn't often that Aunt Dahlia lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb trees and pull them up after them.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.

Ordinary folk prefer familiar tastes - they'd sooner eat the same things all the time - but a gourmet would sample a fried park bench just to know how it tastes.

Her chances of a decent marriage were about to be dashed-and all because of a ferret.

Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

Businesspeople are like sharks, not just because we're gray and slightly oily, or because our teeth trail the innards of those we have eviscerated, but because we must move forward or die.

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.

love make us poets, and the approach of death should make us philosophers.

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.

You have to have a sense of humor about life to get through it.

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.

Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

I like subversive humor, freckles, women's knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though youre poking fun at someone or something, theres still an affection for it.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better