My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Her heart longed for some ark into which it could fly and be at rest. Rough or smooth she did not care, so long as it was warm.

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

Don't retire, rewire and refire

It's just hard to travel in the shadow of regret. In fact, it's so hard that I actually haven't left yet.

The more I write, the more the silence seems to be eating away at me.

My niece is - her name is Sasha, is currently learning Russian at Melbourne University and I look forward to the day when I can talk to her about Pushkin.

You just have to press the right keys and the right pedals at the right time and the music plays itself.

We gotta do something about this frigging swing set,' he said. 'I'm telling you, it's ninety percent of the problem.

I have two ideas for novels at the moment, neither of them all that conventional, but I'm not ready to choose between them yet, let alone settle down to the process of writing.

Nothing comes easy, but as long as you're breathing, you're always one breath away from making your dreams a reality. Make every breath count.