My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Now Darkstripe, ' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.

She pushed a finger against his shoulder, pushing him so he was flat on his back on the bed. "Now behave yourself and I'll show you how much fun I can be.

Money is everywhere but so is poetry. What we lack are the poets.

That instinct for human character that is perhaps inherent in an imaginative writer.

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.

I think he likes it. He fits in with our ethos. He's a good worker and is an excellent pro. Thank goodness he likes his training or else he wouldn't settle here.

I do think of myself as a queen, but I don't think I'm the only queen. There's room for other queens. We reign over different kingdoms.

I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I look at is a great opportunity for ideas.

A man is not moral because he is obedient through fear or ignorance. Morality lives in the realm of perceived obligation.

A thing is a thing, not what is said of that thing.