If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Even though people like to say Destroyer [albom] is gibberish and all that, I usually know exactly what I'm saying at every single moment.

It was a special show that became a cult classic of sorts, and I made a lot of money for it.

Tending to ourselves, we tend the world. Tending the world, we tend ourselves.

I have a nest egg, and I don't buy above my means.

Be careful of success; it has a dark side.

The notion of getting under the hood and explaining how something works, that's fairly familiar territory to me.

We sent out 3,000 Valentines to the ladies, asking them to be my voter.

A golfer should never make a mental mistake because the ball is just sitting there waiting for you to hit it.

Businesses often forget about the culture, and ultimately, they suffer for it because you can't deliver good service from unhappy employees.