Humor Quotes

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.

People don’t like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they’ve accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy.

I don't believe you really know God if you do not recognize His sense of humor.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

The only thing I use my body for is to carry my brain around.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I think God has a sense of humor, and the way my lessons come from God is very funny. I have to laugh at myself even if it's a tough lesson.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

A sense of humor is so handy, isn't it? It lets you see both sides of a question so that you never need do anything.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

Humor is reason gone mad.