I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Life reality tells us that to grow physically, you first need to grow inwardly

Without an enthusiasm of existence, the fullness of life is missed.

Nothing's ever simple. I just don't want you to ignore possibilities out of fear. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, believing that somebody's going to catch you.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

You know all those dangerous mutants you hear about in the news? I'm the worst one.

We are a culture of people who've bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won't catch up with us.

There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.

There is no better audience for someone in love than someone in love.

Make your feet your friend.

I have always wished I could learn to be a potter. I love collecting ceramics; it would be so fulfilling to create something lovely.