I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Clint Eastwood is an extraordinary director because he knows the value of a buck. He knows where it will show on the screen.

The reason I use ed is that I don't want to lose what's on the screen.

Krishna is dwelling in the hearts of everybody. It doesn't matter what kind of body you've got, the Lord's there with you. We're all the same really.

The best joke-tellers are those who have the patience to wait for conversation to come around to the point where the jokes in their repertoire have application.

My mother was a librarian, and she worked at the Black Resource Center in South Central Los Angeles and would call me to tell me stories that she read about that were interesting to her.

I'm personally opposed to a deep tan because I like to feel blond all over.

Being a world champion is something I'm already proud of and can take for the rest of my life.

I was signed at 18 and had to grow up quickly.

Never point a finger where you never lent a hand.

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I've been running ever since.