They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Get started, there is nothing left to discuss. Do it. Now!

It's well known I'm a Scientologist, and that has helped me to find that inner peace in my life and it's something that has given me great stability and tools that I use.

To play is to yield oneself to a kind of magic.

I hear the ruin of all space, shattered glass and toppled masonry, and time one livid final flame.

Instead of building castles against your enemies, build bridges for them to come to you!

Don't need to say please to no man for a happy tune.

Life is more important than art - quantity is only important in that the amount of activity is greater not the number of works.

I've never had a manager, and I've had various agents, and, fortunately or unfortunately, I've been blessed.

If an individual wants to be a leader and isn't controversial, that means he never stood for anything.

My goal is to forever do stand up.