Humor Quotes

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor, because marriage throws you curveballs. It is not easy.

Shut the door, Wales.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

What year did Jesus think it was?

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time.

I think there's plenty of room, even in the most serious activist circles, for humor. Humor can be very effective both to inspire, and as a weapon. Just ask Frank Zappa and Charlie Chaplin.

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Chick Lit uses humor to reflect life back to us. It's a very comforting genre, and it's the first time our generation has had a voice. It's a very important genre for all of those reasons.

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

Working with Ty Power was exciting. In those days, he was the biggest romantic swashbuckler in the world. Murderously handsome! But what I loved most about Ty Power was his wicked sense of humor.

I make sure that my pictures are not too erotic and that they always have a trace of humor. I make sure they are ‘in good taste.’ Either you understand it or not.

If there were a Mount Rushmore of American humor, Terry Southern would be the mountain they'd carve it from